


reckoning in a place of peace

by ohallows



Series: across the bars [2]
Category: Rusty Quill Gaming (Podcast)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bonding, Canon Compliant, Gen, Having Faith, Religion, circa episode 128-129
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-17
Updated: 2020-02-17
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:40:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22771903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohallows/pseuds/ohallows
Summary: Azu doesn’t know the dwarf sitting opposite her, beyond that his name is Zolf and that he clearly means something to Hamid. And that he’s their jailor for the moment; at least until they can prove that whatever this infection is doesn’t rest in their blood. Her and Hamid are stuck here, have been for a few days now, and most of their time is spend in an awkward silence, apart from Hamid and Zolf talking to each other without really saying anything at all.
Relationships: Azu & Zolf Smith
Series: across the bars [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1633597
Comments: 5
Kudos: 59





	reckoning in a place of peace

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DrowningInStarlight](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrowningInStarlight/gifts).



> hey i got really fucking emotional abt zolf while writing this i’m not completely sure why considering it’s from azu’s perspective anyway HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROWAN
> 
> also rowan like three days ago you and anansi were talking abt this in the server and i’m. i already had 2.5k of this written and couldn’t say anything bc it was a gift but i was DYING going ‘fuck i’m literally writing this the braincell is REAL’
> 
> title is from lightning song by anathema and i am. oof. emotional.

Hamid looks peaceful when he sleeps. The lines on his face even out again, and he looks… not happy, necessarily, but more like the Hamid Azu remembers from Cairo. Tired, yes, but some of his weariness bleeds away, and Azu could fool herself into thinking he’s not having nightmares of losing their friends, Sasha and Grizzop’s hands being ripped from their grip. She knows Hamid’s peaceful night won’t last, though. It’s never long before he wakes up, breath coming too fast and eyes darting around, unable to see in the pitch black basement, until Azu can wrap him into a hug. 

Azu has her own share of nightmares. It’s why she hasn’t been getting much sleep lately. Sometimes, it’s easier to be tired than to listen to two of her closest friends scream at her about how it’s their fault that they were lost. Sometimes, it’s easier to pretend as though the bags under her eyes don’t exist rather than spending all of her time asleep seeing the faces of Sasha and Grizzop stare, accusatory, until she can’t take it anymore and wakes up.

She spends most of her time awake, now.

Azu doesn’t know the dwarf sitting opposite her, beyond that his name is Zolf and that he clearly means something to Hamid.  _ And  _ that he’s their jailor for the moment; at least until they can prove that whatever this infection is doesn’t rest in their blood. Her and Hamid are stuck here, have been for a few days now, and most of their time is spend in an awkward silence, apart from Hamid and Zolf talking to each other without really saying anything at all. They’re both… cautious, in a way Azu isn’t sure how to interpret, but maybe, she thinks, it’s not her place. She can ask Hamid about it, later, when they’re not trapped in the dungeon anymore, but she isn’t actually sure that  _ Hamid  _ knows what to do with the situation himself. 

There’s something unspoken, there, and Azu thinks Sasha would have been the same, had she - 

No. That way lies… nothing but pain and regret. She pushes it out of her head; it’ll come back in her dreams, she knows, but for now, she settles with looking at the dwarf sitting outside their little cell, eyes closed as he dozes.

Hamid had talked about Zolf, briefly, back when they had first met. He’d explained everything that happened under Mr. Ceiling, although he’d shied away a bit when talking about the immediate aftermath, saying that it wasn’t his story to tell. Azu understands that. Sasha hadn’t spoken much about him - but, well, she didn’t speak much about anyone. Still, she’d seemed… softer, almost, whenever Hamid talked about Zolf. As though she missed him, but didn’t want other people to know. 

Azu understands that as well. 

She studies Zolf, now, in the dark. He looks… rugged. Hamid had described Zolf as weary but hard, and Azu can definitely see it in his face. Even asleep, he looks like he’s ready to fight something, ready to stand up to someone, ready to defend. It’s familiar to her - people in her village had been the same, the ones who’d had to fight before. 

He looks… kind isn’t the word, really, but Azu understands why Sasha had been close to him. She -

“Something on my face?” Zolf asks as he cracks open an eye, and Azu looks away, almost embarrassed to be caught staring. 

“My apologies, I…” Azu trails off, slowly looking back over at Zolf. He doesn’t look annoyed or unamused, just… the same stoic look as always. Unreadable. “I’m having trouble sleeping.”

Zolf hums in understanding. “Been there, trust me. Nightmares aren’t the prettiest thing in the world to see when you close your eyes.”

Azu shakes her head. Zolf’s being a bit more candid with her than he usually is, and she’s not sure if it’s the late hour or the fact that Hamid’s asleep that’s prompted it. “No, they’re not,” she agrees. 

“You want another Campbell book?” Zolf asks, reaching over to his bag laying at his side. “They’re a bit old, not as good as his earlier works, but still a pretty good time. Used to use ‘em a lot when I was, er - struggling myself.”

“No, that’s alright,” she says, carefully keeping quiet so that they don’t wake Hamid. He’s curled up against her side, and she gently scoops him up, depositing him on a cot in the corner. “Thank you.” She doesn’t move far from Hamid’s side, resting her back on the wall next to his bed. There’s another cot for her, but her head is spiraling a bit, and going to sleep now will only lead to more nightmares. 

“Don’t mention it,” Zolf says, shrugging. 

They both lapse into silence; it’s not awkward, exactly, but it’s not completely comfortable either. It’s the nearly tense silence between two people, one of whom knows nothing about the other, while one knows only secondhand information. 

“So, you’re with Aphrodite?” Zolf asks, eventually, and Azu glances over at him. 

“Yes,” she answers, and she sees Zolf nod, slowly. “I am a paladin, as I mentioned.”

Zolf makes a noncommittal noise, but doesn’t press any further. If Grizzop were here, he’d make a joke about it, maybe a bit more on the nasty side of the line than funny, and the thought makes Azu’s chest hurt. She’d endure all the snide comments about her god all over again if it meant Grizzop could be here. 

“You’re with… Poseidon, Hamid said?” Azu asks, an offer for him to speak as much as it’s a distraction for her, thoughts creeping uncomfortably close to despair again.

“Used to be,” Zolf says, and doesn’t say anything else. Azu sits there, twiddling her thumbs for a moment, mouth working as she tries to keep this awkward, awkward conversation moving without stepping on any more toes.

“Did you -“

“Can I ask a question?” Zolf asks, sudden, and Azu pauses, before nodding.

“I can’t promise I can answer, but yes,” Azu says hesitantly. It could be about a number of things, and she isn’t sure how much Zolf thinks she knows. 

“What happened in Rome?” Zolf asks, and there’s an undercurrent of… something in his voice, something that Azu thinks might be regret. “I - you don’t have to tell me if it’s. Hard. But I’d like to know. Sasha and Hamid, they - I thought they’d both died over a year ago, but now Hamid’s here and Sasha isn’t and you’re here and there was… someone else?”

Azu closes her eyes. She can remember everything; the heat, the cold, the invisible beasts who stalked them in the night, eerie howls echoing off the buildings as they just tried their best to stay alive. Can remember the  _ relief  _ she felt when Grizzop finally joined them again; her friends were back together, finally, and she could protect everyone again. 

“Grizzop,” she says, and,  _ Aphrodite _ , the name feels like a knife through her chest still. “He - he was part of the party before I was, a paladin of Artemis. He didn’t come to Rome with us, not until later. 

“My brother, Emeka, had been kidnapped, along with Hamid’s youngest brother, one of Sasha’s mentors, and Grizzop’s friend. We were going to rescue them, but… Rome is not like the rest of the world. I couldn’t reach Aphrodite there, couldn’t access my magic, no matter how hard I tried. Even Hamid struggled to cast anything. The magic in that city was so out of sync with everything around it, it was hard to focus. And then we finally found the hostages, but… we lost Sasha and Grizzop as we were trying to get back to this plane.”

Azu purses her lips tightly; she can feel the ache in her bones, singing with how much she misses them. Her eyes are burning, and the tears are starting to build behind her eyes as she stares ahead, refusing to let them fall. 

“I’m sorry,” Zolf says, and it’s clear how much he  _ means  _ it. “I wish I could have been there to help.”

“I don’t think you could have prevented this,” Azu says softly, but Zolf just shakes his head.

“I know that. But… still,” he says, crossing his arms. ”Might’ve done  _ something _ . It sounds like it was hell. Never seen Hamid this quiet.”

“It was a difficult experience, for us all. Einstein and Sasha nearly died, Hamid… made some questionable decisions.” She decides not to mention the giant fireball that centered on Hamid, a would-be sacrificial last action, if Hamid hadn’t gotten lucky and avoided most of the blast somehow. The two of them can discuss that later. 

“I couldn’t  _ feel _ her,” Azu repeats, and she can still remember it, the sensation of reaching out into the void and finding nothing but  _ grief,  _ a sadness so deep that tears had coursed down her own face when she finally came back to herself. “We were trapped, alone, and me and Grizzop couldn’t access our powers. The gods couldn’t reach us there. It’s like the entire city was cut off from their influence.”

She dabs at her eyes now, wiping away tears before they have the chance to fall, and takes a deep, steadying breath. It’s been eighteen months since then for everyone else, but in Hamid and her eyes, they lost Sasha and Grizzop only a few days ago. The wound is still fresh, still  _ raw _ . 

“How do you still believe?” Zolf whispers, cutting into her thoughts. When he looks up she can see that his eyes are so,  _ so _ tired, years of weariness dragging at him. “After… after everything, after Rome, after  _ knowing  _ about Mr. Ceiling. Gods are supposed to be all-powerful, but she couldn’t even reach you. Your  _ own god.  _ How can you still have faith?”

Azu doesn’t know how to answer, but she doesn’t think this is about her faith as much as it is about Zolf’s own. Her faith has never been a question, even when it felt like everything was falling down around her in Rome. Even after losing Sasha and Grizzop. 

“The reason I have faith in Aphrodite…” Azu starts, haltingly as she tries to find the right words. “It’s not based on the power I believe she holds. The gods… they’re allowed to be fallible, Zolf. To err. To… show preference to one worshipper over the other. I don’t follow Aphrodite because I believe she’s all-powerful, I follow Aphrodite because I believe in her teachings. Love, healing, protection… I agree with how she leads her followers.”

“Guess I missed that at the induction ceremony,” Zolf mutters, and it’s bitter but there’s something wondering there. 

“May I ask what Poseidon believes in?” She almost doesn't expect an answer, but Zolf’s response comes quickly. 

“Justice. People getting what they deserve, mainly. Thought sacrificing had something to do with it, but apparently not,” Zolf says, and Azu blinks a few times.

“And you didn't… agree with it?” Azu hazards a guess, and she can see Zolf shrug.

“No, more like… it didn’t seem like it was being applied across the board. Take me, for example. He gave me legs when I thought I didn’t do anything to deserve them. Sure, we stopped Mr. Ceiling, but it wasn’t  _ good.  _ It made the entire world  _ break _ . But then… he rewarded me. When I didn’t think I should have been. Got tired of questioning why, so I just… stopped. Figured he wouldn’t care. Hell, I’m one follower out of hundreds, I’m not the most important thing he needs to care about,” Zolf says, and Azu’s surprised to not hear any bitterness there. 

“Zolf, I… I think you are  _ supposed  _ to question,” Azu says, hesitant. “I don’t think you’re supposed to simply take whatever the gods give you and be content. What use have they for followers who don’t even  _ care _ enough to question? Who do nothing except enact their own words, without a single thought as to their impact?” 

“I never… thought about it that way,” Zolf mutters, staring at the floor. Azu feels a pang of sympathy in her chest as she looks at him, tilting her head to the side. 

“Zolf, may I ask… Are you happier now?” Azu asks, and Zolf jumps a bit, giving her almost a confused look.

“I’m not really what you’d call  _ happy, _ ” he says, and it’s not derisive or rude, just stating a fact.

“But are you  _ happier _ ?” Azu asks, pushing a bit more than she would normally push a stranger.

And Zolf, he - he looks at her as though he isn’t really sure what to make of her, as though he doesn’t know how to respond.

“I -“ he starts, pausing for a while as Azu waits for him to answer. “Happy? No. Happier…? Maybe. I like to think so. Even with the world going to hell in a handbasket, I… don’t feel like I’m about to break at any moment. Whether you’d call that  _ happier,  _ I dunno, but… I’m okay. Er. Better. More… here, if that makes sense?”

“It does,” Azu says. “And I’m glad you are. Hamid didn’t tell me much, but it was clear he thought you were… lost?”

Zolf snorts. “That’s one word for it, sure.”

“And are you still lost?” she asks. 

Zolf considers her for a moment. “No,” he says, finally. “I don’t think I am.” 

“Then I’m happy for you,” she says, earnest, and the faintest of smiles curls Zolf’s lip up for half a moment. 

“Guess I never really - dunno, considered that? Been doing better recently, but er - nice to have it acknowledged? No one really - well, anyway. Thanks.”

Azu shakes her head. “You don’t have to thank me, Zolf. Not for this.” 

“Still. It’s - it’s appreciated. Didn’t, er - you would have been helpful to have around two years ago, you know?” Zolf says, and Azu chuckles. 

“Well, I’m here now,” she says, and Zolf laughs a bit too. 

“Yeah, er - you both are, I suppose,” Zolf says, eyes tracking over to Hamid. Azu follows his gaze; the two missing spaces in between them have never felt so stark. It just makes her want to protect him more. 

She lays down on the cot across from where Hamid still sleeps, almost wishing he’d been awake to hear all of this. The blankets they have are thin, and barely cover Azu’s legs, but it’s thankfully not too cold in the cell. Still, she curls up on herself, armor sitting off to the side, and closes her eyes, hoping for at least a few hours of dreamless sleep.

“Azu?” Zolf says out of the darkness, and Azu turns over on the cot. He’s not looking at her, instead staring down at his fingers on his lap, twisting around each other. 

“Yes?” she answers when Zolf doesn’t say anything further. 

He sighs, once, but it sounds more grounding than anything else. “Thank you. For being there for them. When I couldn’t be,” he says, as gruff as he looks; Azu can hear the sincerity thrumming through every word he says. “I’ll never be able to repay you for that.”

“You don't have to,” Azu says with a smile. “It was and is my honor. And… you should talk to Hamid.  _ Really _ talk to him. Once we prove we aren’t infected and the two of you don’t need to tiptoe on eggshells around each other. You both seem to have a lot left unsaid.”

Zolf’s mouth works a few times without saying anything, before he looks away, off toward the door. “Y- okay, yeah, there’s - you’re right. Yeah. I… will. Eventually. He - there’s some stuff we both need to say.”

Azu nods. She doesn’t know if he actually will, if they’ll even have time for that, space for that, not with the way the world is going. But she hopes he tries. Trying is all anyone can do in the world, anyway.

“Thank you for speaking with me, Zolf,” Azu says, turning over. She thinks - hopes, mainly - that her dreams won’t be as awful tonight. 

Off in the corner, Zolf whispers a quiet, “Sleep well, Azu,” and she smiles, letting her eyes slip closed.

“You as well, Zolf.”

**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos as always are super appreciated!!
> 
> also! forgot to mention it, but if ur reading my fics on that fanfic pocket library app, i did not consent for them to be put on there so please don’t :) or, if you do, at least come and leave a comment. that app’s making money off a bunch of authors who put their works up for free on ao3


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